pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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