im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
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Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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