God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
