He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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