we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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