Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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