I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
