so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I need to stop coming to work sober
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
