she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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