Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
