Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
