1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
