so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
