I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
