Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
