He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
