I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
