If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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