Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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