I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Apparently you make a good broom.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
