I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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