Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
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I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
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I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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