Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
