I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
