nut hugger
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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