It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
