Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think I am morally bankrupt
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
