I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
