when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
