when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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