Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
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You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
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I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?