Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
