Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Are my feet made of real feet?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
