Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
my being single is dangerous.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
