3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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