i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
