she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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