If i come over, it means nothing
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just high enough for therapy.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
