The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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