i don't plan on having that self control this summer
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
