you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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