we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Semen is not good for contacts.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
