just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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