i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
