So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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