my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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