dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
