Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Barsexuality is the new black.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
