I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Randomize
