video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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