i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
