I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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