My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
