its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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