As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
