i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
