He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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