I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
