Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
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A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
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You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i now understand why vodka
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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