Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
