It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
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So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
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I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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