My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize